Personal Update!
As you may have noticed, I don't use this blog very much, Like a lot of other people I mostly moved on to other social media when Livejournal turned evil and I set up my DW account. Nowadays I mostly spend time on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. But sometimes there are things you just need to blog, and those aren't appropriate forums for this sort of thing.
So here's what I've been up to (short version): Operation Unfuck My Life continues apace and is going well. Goals for this year are as follows.
Work/Writing
When Covid hit, I gave up on working shitty office admin jobs and decided if I wasn't going to try and become a writer now I'd never get round to it.
After 2 years of writing fantasy and science fiction short stories (and getting one published! YAY! \o/) and trying to convince myself that I am a Real Writer and I can both make a career out of this and actually turn my enjoyment into remuneration, I'm finally trying my hand at writing a novel this year. That is The Plan.
I'm a bit late starting though. It's May, right? How did it become May all of a sudden? It's fine. This is fine. I'll just write twice as much in the second half of the year! See, problem sorted. I have my concept and plot partly worked out. But the characters and the plotting both need fleshing out more. And then I need to, you know, actually sit down and write the damn thing.
I still struggle a bit with my confidence, Imposter Syndrome, and writer's block though.
To help me get motivated and keep motivated, I'm setting up a Writers Group (on FB at the moment) to do writing sprints... for those who don't know, this is the online equivalent of meeting up at a cafe, saying hi and chatting for 10 minutes, then all putting your head down and just writing. Working on whatever projects you have going. Coming up for air after an hour and chatting briefly before doing it again. There's no need to share your work... in fact, you don't even have to say what you're working on. It just gives you that little extra bit of impetus to work, and feel accountable. This method worked really well for me when I tried it over the last 2 years, so it makes sense to try it again. Fingers crossed.
Self Improvement
Also known as the health and fitness section. Look... I'm turning 45 on Monday... and like many other people, I put on more weight than I am happy with during the pandemic. Last Christmas, I saw some photos of myself wherein I looked so awful that I wanted to die. I'm aware it is more of a self image and self esteem issue than anything else. I'd love to be one of those people who is overweight but confident and body positive and not give a fuck. But I do care. I don't recognise myself. I don't like myself. So I am fixing it.
Using a helpful (but expensive) app called Noom, I'm working on my diet and food habits, and increasing physical activity. I hate sports. All sports. I always have... it comes from being a fat kid at school and feeling ashamed and ridiculed for being picked last for every team. So I've always hated any kind of exercise. That endorphin rush people talk about from exercise? Yeah, I don't get that and never have. For me exercise is misery and pain and shame.
Running is out. Cycling and swimming likewise. (Well, I like swimming. But not the way people do it here in the UK). Any other kind of team activity or group sport is not going to work for me either. I considered swimming, yoga, pilates, zumba etc... but everything is still recovering after Covid and I haven't found anything local yet. So for me, it's walking. Long walks, slow walks, walks in nature. It's not about speed or distance but about building it up as a regular thing I do.
Anyway. the long and short of it is, it's working so far. I've lost 10kg since January, woot yay me etc.
I'm also considering bariatric surgery. As in, gastric surgery to cut up and sew my stomach back together. Drastic, I know. But there's a good reason for wanting to lose weight and look good. Which brings me to the next heading...
Dating
So, here's the thing, right... I'm lonely. And single. Mostly lonely. Since my last relationship broke up 5 years ago. And, I always wanted a partner and children - fuck marriage, I don't care a fig about marriage - and as I mentioned I am getting older now. It's harder to start a family at my age. (Luckily I'm a man, so it's not as hard as it could be) Harder to be one of those older parents who can barely keep up with running around the park. And oh boy, is it ever harder to meet people and find someone with mutual attraction when you're middle-aged!
So, I'm dating and have been for 2 years now. Occasionally, and I do get sick of it every so often and give up for a few months and then pick it back up again. I am On The Apps and let me tell you, it is hella tough being on dating apps in your 40s! ESPECIALLY when you're not happy with your current appearance or your life or your self-esteem. But yeah, I'm trying and putting myself out there.
It's brave and sometimes heartbreaking and often demoralising. Even on a casual date, I am hopeful and open and willing to risk my heart and be vulnerable. Oftentimes it doesn't work out and that hurts. Every. Single. Time. And I feel bad for a few days then I dust myself off and try again. It's exhausting, it takes a lot of time and energy and work, and I have given up for months and then come back to it. But I'm still trying.
I deserve love as much as anyone does.
I have had some success - short term relationships, once for four months and once just for a month - but nothing that has worked out.
I have had a couple of dates which went really well, we really got on, the dates lasted hours and were filled with good conversation and bonding... and then nothing came of it, and the women involved politely but coolly detached themselves. And, you know, maybe there were other reasons? It's possible?
...but I remain convinced that it's because of how I look. That everything else was great, but when we met up they just weren't physically attracted to me. And that's painful. And so, self-improvement. Look better, feel better, actually feeling and being attractive! And then, well then I've done my part and we see what happens next.
That's all for now.
Wish me luck.
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