I mean, surely 'I like this' is glowing from a British point of view? LOL.
If you're serious about the edits, your current first paragraph is you trying to trick yourself into beginning, I think. You don't need it. You've done a pretty great job of selling yourself here and you can do away with the throat-clearing.
For the rest of it, I think the 'I am not a cat' is a reference that will date (aha) quickly, so you could lose that; your warmth and humour comes through regardless. I'd consider whether any of the stuff in brackets is necessary - I think you needed to write these asides as a sort of pressure-valve to relieve the anxiety of talking about yourself in positive terms, but I'm not sure we need them in order to get a sense of who you are. I like who you are, and it comes through really well.
Don't violate Leon's agency! If he feels like playing with whomever gets to be 'you', that'll be up to him.
I'd definitely reconsider 'I prefer my women to be'. Maybe soften it to something that doesn't ring with echoes of misogynists past? 'You'll hopefully be'. I'm not necessarily a fan of including 'alive' in there, because, well, hopefully none of your previous partners got fridged, but let's not introduce the possibility.
I'd take out the sentence about wittering. This isn't wittering. This is a considered pitch by a writer.
The paragraph that begins with 'Look:' I think you could strip back. You've no need to be worried about your looks, and no need to introduce the idea that you might be. You could say something like:
"If you took the time to read this, and if you read some things that you maybe liked, drop me a line. It would be great to hear from you. Maybe we can chat by text or meet on Zoom, and if we get on maybe even meet up for a coffee/wine/cocktail/socially distanced long quiet walk. Maybe we’ll each make a new friend, but perhaps we'll find there's something more."
Otherwise I reckon this is pretty gold, apart from the bit where you put snogging immediately after cheese. It's not just that I'm lactose intolerant that had me blanching at that...
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Date: 2021-02-16 05:03 pm (UTC)If you're serious about the edits, your current first paragraph is you trying to trick yourself into beginning, I think. You don't need it. You've done a pretty great job of selling yourself here and you can do away with the throat-clearing.
For the rest of it, I think the 'I am not a cat' is a reference that will date (aha) quickly, so you could lose that; your warmth and humour comes through regardless. I'd consider whether any of the stuff in brackets is necessary - I think you needed to write these asides as a sort of pressure-valve to relieve the anxiety of talking about yourself in positive terms, but I'm not sure we need them in order to get a sense of who you are. I like who you are, and it comes through really well.
Don't violate Leon's agency! If he feels like playing with whomever gets to be 'you', that'll be up to him.
I'd definitely reconsider 'I prefer my women to be'. Maybe soften it to something that doesn't ring with echoes of misogynists past? 'You'll hopefully be'. I'm not necessarily a fan of including 'alive' in there, because, well, hopefully none of your previous partners got fridged, but let's not introduce the possibility.
I'd take out the sentence about wittering. This isn't wittering. This is a considered pitch by a writer.
The paragraph that begins with 'Look:' I think you could strip back. You've no need to be worried about your looks, and no need to introduce the idea that you might be. You could say something like:
"If you took the time to read this, and if you read some things that you maybe liked, drop me a line. It would be great to hear from you. Maybe we can chat by text or meet on Zoom, and if we get on maybe even meet up for a coffee/wine/cocktail/socially distanced long quiet walk. Maybe we’ll each make a new friend, but perhaps we'll find there's something more."
Otherwise I reckon this is pretty gold, apart from the bit where you put snogging immediately after cheese. It's not just that I'm lactose intolerant that had me blanching at that...
Seriously, I reckon this is very good.