Where do we go from here?

[i_kender]

The bad news is, I woke up on Saturday thinking 'What am I doing with my life? What do I have to look forward to?' It's all very well distracting myself with glittering party nights like Friday, and I can fill time like a professional, with comics and books and computer games and tv series and films and sleep, but what do I really have to look forward to? I have nothing. I have no job and I can't seem to find one even though I've been looking since August, I have no girl, virtually no friends, I live with housemates who are strangers to me, I'm broke constantly, I can't afford to leave the house, I have nowhere to go and no-one to see even if I could, and I'm not *doing* anything right now! I'm not even writing at the moment. What the hell has happened to me? This is not my life, this is nothing I recognise. This is not the way it's supposed to be. This isn't me, it's not my life, it's just a pretty pantomime.

And I've been sitting in my back garden, smoking and thinking about it for much of the weekend, and I'm lost. I don't know how I got here, and I don't know how to get out. I've been stuck in limbo for so long, I don't know what else I can do. I'm not unhappy, I'm not depressed. But it's been six months, six long months of not working and staying at home and counting the pennies and trying to keep busy, and I don't like living like this, but I don't know what I can do anymore to change the way things are. I'm stuck, and I'm lost, and I don't even know who I am anymore.

I need a job. I need money. I need to get out of the house. I need to start meeting people, and making friends. I need to get a life. I need to start writing again. But I don't know how anymore.

And that's all I have to say about that. And I'm going to post this quickly before I change my mind. How are you all doing? Have a great day!

Comments

[warlordkittens.livejournal.com]

*hugs tightly* i understand. and i wish you all the luck in the world. need to find yourself. and things. sigh.

[spintrian.livejournal.com]

Noted, skipped ;)

Though if I said - hey you owe me a prologue! - would it give the game away that I read it after all?

[buddleia.livejournal.com]

Now if you had taken anything on Friday I would have said comedown time, but I assume you didn't. Plan something. Anything. RIGHT NOW.

[spintrian.livejournal.com]

You just wait. I still haven't published my comedown rant from last weekend.

[buddleia.livejournal.com]

Gah. We've all got one of those, but mine tend to end with "and then all my friends went out and left me alone for ever and ever and ever"

Comedown

[i_kender]

I plan to get a life, as soon as possible. As soon as I've had another cup of coffee ;)

Don't sweat it, it'll pass. Although if this is what a comedown is like, jesus, maybe I'll just skip it. I don't need drugs to feel this bad!

The price is right

[buddleia.livejournal.com]

Lives are overestimated. Plan a trip. Hell, come and visit me. South London is practically Brighton.

Re: The price is right

[i_kender]

And I will. Next month maybe. Or when I have some cash, whichever come first. Sigh...

[gonzo21.livejournal.com]

You are of course always welcome to visit me. Admittedly it's rather a long haul. But the offer is always there.

And you should write something... I can try and think up a writing challenge for you if you'd like?

[i_kender]

Thank you, that means more than you can know. And, it is very tempting but I cannot possible afford to go anywhere right now. Which means I might have to cancel proposed trips to York and Brighton in February. Oh well, I guess. But I'll keep it in mind... I do want to see your corner of the world, including the frankly fantastic countryside you seem to have. And to see you again, of course. And to play your Xbox on your huge new tv ;)

As for the writing challenge... well, I'm not really sure it would help matters at all. Writing anything, I mean. As it stands, I already have a 'challenge' from spintrian, as he keeps reminding me. Sigh. If I ever get round to it. But thanks, I might ask for ideas later if the spintrian thing self-destructs spectacularly, or if by some fluke I actually do it!

What I really should be doing is working on my novel, which has stalled after just two chapters, the poor thing. And it was looking so promising too...