A funny

[i_kender]

Thanks to my friend Katie for this amusing (but very long!) look at the lighter side of medical jargon:

We all know that medics suffer from acute Acronymophilia. However, not all of the medical acronyms used are entirely appropriate, in particular those created by doctors the world over to insult their patients, and each other. The increasing rate of litigation means that this is a dying "art" - it is a little awkward to stand up in court and explain the exact meaning of NFN (Normal for Norfolk), FLK (Funny looking kid) or GROLIES (Guardian Reader Of Low Intelligence in Ethnic Skirt).

So, FYI, here is an example of the medical world's reliance on TLAs and XTLAs. Enjoy, before the "art" has GTTL...

DOCTORS' SLANG AND MEDICAL ACRONYMS

Acute Lead Poisoning - Gunshot wound
(Acute Lead Poisoning) 185 grain Injection - 9mm
gunshot wound
(Acute Lead Poisoning) 240 grain Injection 44 calibre
magnum wound
(Acute Lead Poisoning) Air-conditioned - Multiple gun
shot wounds


ADR - Ain't Doing Right
AGA - Acute Gravity Attack (fell over)
AGMI - Ain't Gonna Make It (won't survive)
AHF - Acute Hissy Fit
ALS - Absolute Loss of Sanity (nutcase)
AQR - Ain't Quite Right
ART - Assuming Room Temperature (dead)
AST - Assuming Seasonal Temperature (dead)

Bagged and Tagged (B&T) - Body ready for dispatch to
morgue
Blade - Surgeon: dashing, bold, arrogant and often
wrong, but never in doubt
Blood Suckers - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab
techs
BMW - Bitch Moan & Whine
BSS - Bilateral Samsonite Syndrome: patient admitted
with both their bags packed in preparation
BTSOOM - Beats The Sh*t Out Of Me
Bunnies - Sanitary Towels (sanitary napkins)


Ceiling Sign - near-levitation from the bed to the
ceiling induced by examining for abdominal tenderness
Code 0 - (Ambulance) Time-waster/tax-waster (genuine
codes are Code 1 [non-serious] to Code 4 [emergency])
Coffin Dodger - survived against expectations, or a
very old person
COPD - Chronic Old Persons Disease (unwell, no
specific cause)
Crackerjack referral—It's Friday, it's five to five,
it's ...
CRAFT - Can't Remember A F*cking Thing
CRI - Cranial-Rectal Insertion or Cranial-Rectal
Inversion (head-up-ass syndrome)
CRS - Can't Remember Sh*t
CRT - Can't Really Treat
CTD - Circling the Drain (Close To Death)
CTS - Crazier than sh*t


D&D - Divorced and Desperate (middle aged female who
visits doctor weekly just for male attention)
DBI - Dirt Bag Index: number of tattoos x number of
missing teeth = days since the patient last bathed
De-coke and Re-bore - Dilatation and curettage (gynae)
op.
Departure lounge - geriatric ward
DFO - Drunk and Fell Over
Digging for Worms - varicose vein surgery
DIIK - Darned if I know
DMFNFL - Dumb mother f*cker, not fit to live
Double Whopper w/ Cheese - Obese female with genital
thrush
DPS - Dumb Parent Syndrome
DRT - Dead Right There (patient dead at scene of
accident)
DRTTTT - Dead Right There, There, There and There
(patient dead and in multiple parts at scene of
accident)
DSB - Drug-Seeking Behaviour (faking illness to fuel
narcotic addiction)
DWPA - Death With Paramedic Assistance
Dude Factor - Survival scoring factor based on social
worth. A high dude factor = an individual of
questionable social worth who survives
near-fatalinjuries. A low dude factor = professional
person who slips in the bathroom sustaining a fatal
injury

ETOH - Extremely Trashed or Hammered

Family Care Plan - One child gets the sniffles, whole
family gets a trip to A&E
FCBP - Fellow of the College of Bystander Physicians
i.e. doctor having a look-see
FD - F*cking drunk
FDSTW - Found Dead Stayed That Way
Faecal Encephalopathy - Sh*t for brains
FINE - F*cked up , insecure, neurotic & emotional
FIRT - Failed impact resistance test (crash victim)
Fluttering Eye Syndrome - Patient faking
unconsciousness
FLB - Funny Little Bumps (unexplained skin bumps)
FLK - Funny Looking Kid
FLK w/ GLM - Funny Looking Kid with a Good Looking
Mother
FLP - Funny Looking Parents (hereditary cause
suspected for FLK)
FODE - Falling On Deaf Ears
FORD - Found On Road Dead
FOS - Full Of Sh*t (severely constipated)
Frequent Flyer - Someone who is transported to and
from hospital on a
routine basis
Freud Squad - psychiatrists/Psychologists
FTD - Fixing To Die
FTF - Failed to Fly (botched suicide)

Gassers - anaesthetists
GDA - Gonna die anyway
GLM - Good Looking Mum
GOA - Gone On Arrival (police turn up, ambulance turns
up, fire brigade turns up, patient doesn't)
GOK - God Only Knows
GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room; extended to mean
elderly patient who is unable to communicate their
symptoms and passed from one department to another
Gomergram - Ordering all available tests because the
person is unable to explain what is wrong with them
Gorked Out - mental impairment through disease or
substance abuse
GPH - Goddamns Per Hour
GPO - Good for Parts Only (won't survive)
Gravity Assisted Concrete Poisoning: jumped/fell from
height
GROLIES - (UK) Guardian Reader Of Low Intellect In
Ethnic Skirt
GTO - Gomer tip over (elderly person with injury from
trip or fall)
GTTL - Gone to the light (died)

Hamburger (Helper) - Train or juggernaut vs pedestrian
Handbag positive - confused patient (usually elderly
lady) lying on hospital bed clutching handbag
HIBGIA - Had it before, got it again
High Serum Porcelain Level - Patient is a crock of
sh*t
HTD - Higher Than a Duck
HTK - Higher Than a Kite
HVLT - High Velocity Lead Poisoning: gunshot wound

Improving His Claim: - Victim of minor accident, needs
no treatment but wants something to support his
insurance/legal claim.
Insurance Pain - Neck pain secondary to a minor car
bump
Insurance Whiplash - Neck pain secondary to a minor
car bump
ITBNTL - In The Box, Nail The Lid (dead or dying)

Leeches - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs
LMC - Low marble count (low IQ)
LOBNH - Lights On But Nobody Home
LOFD - Looks Okay From Door
LOL - Little Old Lady
LOLINAD - Little Old Lady In No Acute Distress
LPT - Low pain threshold
LRO - Luck Ran Out (cheated death before, but not this
time)
LWS - (US) Low Wallet Syndrome (No medical insurance
or money)

M sign - Patient just goes "Mmmm"
MARPs - Mind Altering Recreational Pharmaceuticals
MCBP - Member of the College of Bystander Physicians
i.e. doctor having a look-see
MGM syndrome - Faker putting on a real good show
Microdeckia - Micro = small, deck = deck of cards;
patient playing with less that a full deck (low IQ)


NARS - Not a rocket scientist (low IQ)
NFN - Normal for Norfolk
NGMI - Not Going to Make It
NKDA - Not known, didn't ask
NLPR - No longer playing records (dying)
NPS - New Parent Syndrome
NQR - Not Quite Right
NSA - Non-Standard Appearance (what a FLK grows into)

O sign - Patient unconscious with mouth open
OBS - Obvious bullsh*t
OFIG - One Foot In the Grave
OFIGATOOS - One Foot In the Grave And The Other One
Slipping
Ooh-Aahs - Those who gather to gawk at an emergency
and go "Oooh, Aaah"

Parentectomy — Panacea of many paediatric concerns
Paws Up - dead
PBAB - Pine Box At Bedside
PBS - Pretty bad shape
PBOO - Pine Box On Order
PFO - Pissed [Drunk] and Fell Over
PGT - Pissed [Drunk] and Got Thumped
Pharmaceutically Enhanced Personality - stoned or
medicated
PHAT - Pretty Hot and Tempting (warning to others)
PIA - Pain in the ass
PIAF - Pissed as a fart
PITA - Pain in the ass
PLH - Pray Long and Hard
Pneumo-cephalic - airhead
Polydipose Dysfunction -big, fat patient
PPA - Practicing Professional Alcoholic
Pumpkin Positive - a penlight shone into the patient's
mouth/ear would encounter a brain so small that the
whole head would light up

Q sign - Patient unconscious with mouth open and
tongue hanging out; "Dotted Q" means flies land on
tongue (dead/dying); Assuming the Q Position = dying
QID - Queen in distress (hissy fit)
Q-Tip - Elderly person (white haired old person)
(Q-Tip is a cotton bud)

RBG - Received by God
RBS - Really Bad Shape
Rheumaholiday - rheumatology (considered by
hard-pressed juniors to be a less busy dept)
Road Chilli/Road Pizza - Unrestrained
driver/motorcyclist or passenger, ejected and
splattered
Rounding Up The Usual Suspects - Ordering a set of
tests for a given set of symptoms
RPVU - Relative Porsche Value Unit: surgical index of
potential income from the repair of patient injuries,
usually orthopaedic in nature. Fractured finger = a
windscreen wiper; a fractured hip = new tyres etc.

Saddles - Maternity sanitary towels (napkins), so
called for their size and the bow-legged effect of
wearing them
SBLEO - (pronounced S-B-Leo) Suicide By Law
Enforcement Officer
SBOD - Stupid bitch/bastard on drugs
Shotgunning - Ordering of a vast array of tests in the
hopes that one or other of them will give an idea of
what is wrong with a patient
Silver Bracelet Award - patient is a prisoner brought
in wearing cuffs
SIO - Sleeping It Off
Slashers - general surgeons
SWAG - Scientific Wild Ass Guess
SWW - Sick, wet and whiny (infant)
SYB - Save Your Breath (for patients who don't take
advice)

T&T Sign - Tattoo-to-Teeth Sign: survival indicator;
those who are tattooed and toothless will survive
major injuries
Tax-Sucker - Someone who does not need an ambulance,
but calls anyway because it's free
TBC - Total Body Crunch: multiple injuries
TDS - Terminal deceleration syndrome (e.g. RTA death,
high-rise syndrome,
jump-suicides and parachute-failed-to-open)
TEETH - Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
TF BUNDY - Totally f*cked, but unfortunately not dead
yet
Throckmorton's Sign - in the unconscious male, the
penis points to the injury
TLAs - a sign of Acronymophilia - excessive reliance
on Three-letter acronyms & XTLMs (extended 3 letter
acronyms)
TMB - Too Many Birthdays: person dying of "old age"
Trans-occipital implants - bullet wound to the head
Trauma Gods - Mythological deities whom A&E personnel
believe to be the
cause of major emergencies
TRO - Time ran out
TSL - To Stupid to Live
TTFO - Told To F*ck Off
TTR - (UK) Tea Time Review

UBI - Unexplained Beer Injury
UNIVAC - Unusually Nasty Infection, Vultures are
Circling

VAC - Vultures are Circling (dying)
Vampires - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab
techs (also slang for blood donor service)
Velcro - Family or friends accompanying patient
everywhere
VIP - Very intoxicated person
Vitamin V - Diazepam
Vitamin H - Haldol

WADAO - Weak And Dizzy All Over
Wallet Biopsy - (US) free medical test performed by
hospital insurance department before patient is
treated
White Mice - tampons
WNL - Within Normal Limits, but more often interpreted
as We Never Looked
Woolworth's Test - (UK anaesthesia) if you can imagine
patient shopping in Woolies, it's safe to give a
general anaesthetic
WWI - Walking while intoxicated (and fell over)

YOYO - You're on your own (message passed from one
doctor to another regarding problem/mystifying cases)